Birth of Depression

I have been thinking of all the attention
      we give a first/only born.
We are going to do this right
    Raise them better than we were raised.
Create this little perfect human.
        Teach them like we wish we were taught.
Immediately stop any negative traits

We wonder at their inate intelligence
  Try to see that they are happy, always
Shower them with attention
   Praise each step of growth….

Then the second child is born…
      Or life happens and we change jobs
           Or issues with our partner
               Or somebody gets very sick
                    Or dies….

And we become distracted from our worship and wonder of this child.

They might begin to feel extra,
Unnecessary, 
         in the way,
                    unimportant…
Sadly, begin to doubt their worth.
      Feel under-valued…
               Less than……
Not understanding the disconnect
Has nothing to do with them.

Could this possibly be the source, the birth of deression?

Perspective

I have an ongoing love affair with clouds. I think it started when at only 4 or 5 years of age my cousins and I would lie on the grass and look up at the big Phoenix sky and search for shapes in the clouds… A lamb, a tree, a puppy dog. ever changing, leaving room for imagination and to pretend.

Life happens, our focus lowers to the necessary, critical and mundane. We forget to look up at God’s ever-changing art display above.

When my beautiful daughter suddenly died two years ago, I found myself searching the skies in my pain, wondering if she was now free up there, beyond the clouds, looking down on us. I began to take photos with my phone when a group of clouds impressed me. The glorious Tucson sunsets, the monsoon clouds taking my breath at times.

I took photo after photo, scrolling through them on dark days reliving their beauty, finding comfort in God’s handiwork.

Recently a vivid sunset, fiery with pinks and oranges, forced me to stop my car to capture their beauty. After five or six frame-worthy snapshots, for some reason I turned around to see what the sky behind was doing during all this brilliant display.

Oh my goodness, it was grey, dark, gloomy and no sky between their cloudy billows. I could not believe this was the same moment, standing in the same place, and totally opposite the flaming beauty of the western skies.

The same sky, same street corner, same moment in time, but the view totally changed by the location of the sun and where I chose to look; my perspective making all the difference.

So very much like our lives…the position of the Son and where we choose to focus our view.

There may be dark, gloomy cloudy days, but there can be hope and glorious beauty if you look around and change your perspective.

Selfish Love

She is lying awake in the hospital bed, only able to communicate with her lips, eyes and hands.

The radiation has caused her to be unable to eat for months, only tiny bits daily. She has lost so much weight, although now arms and face are swollen due to fluid buildup.

But her eyes twinkle when she sees me. She mouths “I love you too” when I speak my love. She motions with her hand and we finally understand she wants her granddaughter’s boyfriend to play his guitar. He strums and sings Amarillo by Morning and she smiles.

I’ve waited all week for the family to allow me to visit. I hold back my tears until I drive home.

She has many close friends…others, like me have been waiting in the wings for permission to see her. We have prayed, sent our love from our heart hoping she could feel it, while we waited.

Yet, others we contact say they won’t come, they don’t want to see her like this. It would hurt too much. But I wonder at the support she might need. The love she needs to see in our eyes. Our loving touch. Our music.

Trying not to judge, but I do. It seems to be a selfish love they have: that takes the joy she gave them but declines the pain.

She is still here. She is still inside that starving body that struggles to live. Her beautiful caring, loving heart that comforted us in our traumas, listened to our fears, laughed joyfully at our silliness still there.

Do we only take from a loved one or share their pain, lend our strength when they need us most?

Dear God, please help me not to have selfish love.

To my kids dad… (My ex)

Thank you for supporting us 17 years.

Thank you for buying our house on a street that feels safe.

Thank you for giving our kids your healthy genes.

Thank you for the year and half you paid child support.

Thank you for attending church with us mostly

Thank you for finally getting back in two of our son’s life.

Most of all, thank you for leaving so I could focus on our kids instead of hopelessly trying to please you.

16 year old me to 78 yr old me

Was i really pregnant?

…..Yes, but he married someone else

So, did I have the baby?   

  …..Yes, the soldier returned and married you.

Was the baby OK?   

…..Yes, he was precious and gifted.

Were we happy?

…..Sometimes, he had lots of resentment.

Did we have more babies?   

…..Two more boys and a girl, close together.

Were they ok?   

…..They were awesome, one had birth defect but God fixed it.

Did our marriage last?   

…..For 17 insecure years.

Was he faithful?   

 …..No, he cheated many times.

Did we divorce?   

…..Yes, he married the last one.

Was the divorce traumatic?   

…..All the kids were scarred by the divorce.

Did they ever heal?   

…..Eventually, mostly, but the first one died. 

How did I survive that?   

…..You had support groups and your faith. You got much stronger.

And the siblings?   

…..Boys eventually reconnected with their dad.  Daughter became an addict.

Did I remarry?   

…..25 years, later, while raising your daughters boy & girl, you remarried.

Was that a good thing?   

…..No, he seduced your daughter for drug money.

Did we divorce?   

 …..Oh, yes, quickly.

Did I get over him?   

 …..Very fast, and soon forgave your daughter.

What happened to them?   

…..They married and had two children.

Did she heal from her addictions?   

 …..Only in death.

How did I survive losing two children?   

…..Grief support groups and reaching out to help other hurting people.

Did I find love again?   

     Finally, 20 years later.

Was he a good man?   

…..Oh, yes. He healed you with his kindness.

Did you marry?   

…..You didn’t need to… His kindness was enough.

Was I finally happy?   

…..More than you can imagine.       

Lyvonne Hill  10/31/2021

Somehow

I can tell stories of your coldness to me.

The neglect and distance …

Scorn for my love.

Not talking or sharing. . .

No common affection or gifts. . .

Cheating, many times. . .

Lack of participation in our life together.

Yet, you were the love of my life.

Why?

Was it the challenge of making you smile?

Knowing your childhood pain?

Understanding you deeply???

Learning every aspect of who you were?

All the loving behind closed doors?

I just don’t understand.

Maybe never will…

But you were, are, have always been, the love of my life.

Lonely without you…

But Lonely with you, too.

You started down this road with me,

The road of life,

Then somewhere got out of the vehicle and left me in it,

Driverless, but ever moving forward…

Relentlessly on this path,

Alone and clueless as to what would be next.

I grew, learned, adjusted, blossomed, even soared.

But ever in my heart somewhere deep inside

Missing the You I understood and craved,

And somehow loved.

Lyvonne Hill

April 12, 2021