Category Archives: Understanding

Birth of Depression

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I have been thinking of all the attention
      we give a first/only born.
We are going to do this right
    Raise them better than we were raised.
Create this little perfect human.
        Teach them like we wish we were taught.
Immediately stop any negative traits

We wonder at their inate intelligence
  Try to see that they are happy, always
Shower them with attention
   Praise each step of growth….

Then the second child is born…
      Or life happens and we change jobs
           Or issues with our partner
               Or somebody gets very sick
                    Or dies….

And we become distracted from our worship and wonder of this child.

They might begin to feel extra,
Unnecessary, 
         in the way,
                    unimportant…
Sadly, begin to doubt their worth.
      Feel under-valued…
               Less than……
Not understanding the disconnect
Has nothing to do with them.

Could this possibly be the source, the birth of deression?

Selfish Love

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She is lying awake in the hospital bed, only able to communicate with her lips, eyes and hands.

The radiation has caused her to be unable to eat for months, only tiny bits daily. She has lost so much weight, although now arms and face are swollen due to fluid buildup.

But her eyes twinkle when she sees me. She mouths “I love you too” when I speak my love. She motions with her hand and we finally understand she wants her granddaughter’s boyfriend to play his guitar. He strums and sings Amarillo by Morning and she smiles.

I’ve waited all week for the family to allow me to visit. I hold back my tears until I drive home.

She has many close friends…others, like me have been waiting in the wings for permission to see her. We have prayed, sent our love from our heart hoping she could feel it, while we waited.

Yet, others we contact say they won’t come, they don’t want to see her like this. It would hurt too much. But I wonder at the support she might need. The love she needs to see in our eyes. Our loving touch. Our music.

Trying not to judge, but I do. It seems to be a selfish love they have: that takes the joy she gave them but declines the pain.

She is still here. She is still inside that starving body that struggles to live. Her beautiful caring, loving heart that comforted us in our traumas, listened to our fears, laughed joyfully at our silliness still there.

Do we only take from a loved one or share their pain, lend our strength when they need us most?

Dear God, please help me not to have selfish love.

To my kids dad… (My ex)

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Thank you for supporting us 17 years.

Thank you for buying our house on a street that feels safe.

Thank you for giving our kids your healthy genes.

Thank you for the year and half you paid child support.

Thank you for attending church with us mostly

Thank you for finally getting back in two of our son’s life.

Most of all, thank you for leaving so I could focus on our kids instead of hopelessly trying to please you.

16 year old me to 78 yr old me

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Was i really pregnant?

…..Yes, but he married someone else

So, did I have the baby?   

  …..Yes, the soldier returned and married you.

Was the baby OK?   

…..Yes, he was precious and gifted.

Were we happy?

…..Sometimes, he had lots of resentment.

Did we have more babies?   

…..Two more boys and a girl, close together.

Were they ok?   

…..They were awesome, one had birth defect but God fixed it.

Did our marriage last?   

…..For 17 insecure years.

Was he faithful?   

 …..No, he cheated many times.

Did we divorce?   

…..Yes, he married the last one.

Was the divorce traumatic?   

…..All the kids were scarred by the divorce.

Did they ever heal?   

…..Eventually, mostly, but the first one died. 

How did I survive that?   

…..You had support groups and your faith. You got much stronger.

And the siblings?   

…..Boys eventually reconnected with their dad.  Daughter became an addict.

Did I remarry?   

…..25 years, later, while raising your daughters boy & girl, you remarried.

Was that a good thing?   

…..No, he seduced your daughter for drug money.

Did we divorce?   

 …..Oh, yes, quickly.

Did I get over him?   

 …..Very fast, and soon forgave your daughter.

What happened to them?   

…..They married and had two children.

Did she heal from her addictions?   

 …..Only in death.

How did I survive losing two children?   

…..Grief support groups and reaching out to help other hurting people.

Did I find love again?   

     Finally, 20 years later.

Was he a good man?   

…..Oh, yes. He healed you with his kindness.

Did you marry?   

…..You didn’t need to… His kindness was enough.

Was I finally happy?   

…..More than you can imagine.       

Lyvonne Hill  10/31/2021

Somehow

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I can tell stories of your coldness to me.

The neglect and distance …

Scorn for my love.

Not talking or sharing. . .

No common affection or gifts. . .

Cheating, many times. . .

Lack of participation in our life together.

Yet, you were the love of my life.

Why?

Was it the challenge of making you smile?

Knowing your childhood pain?

Understanding you deeply???

Learning every aspect of who you were?

All the loving behind closed doors?

I just don’t understand.

Maybe never will…

But you were, are, have always been, the love of my life.

Lonely without you…

But Lonely with you, too.

You started down this road with me,

The road of life,

Then somewhere got out of the vehicle and left me in it,

Driverless, but ever moving forward…

Relentlessly on this path,

Alone and clueless as to what would be next.

I grew, learned, adjusted, blossomed, even soared.

But ever in my heart somewhere deep inside

Missing the You I understood and craved,

And somehow loved.

Lyvonne Hill

April 12, 2021

Grandma Livengood aka Sweet Grammy

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This day (December 19) 1956 we got a call that my amazing, maternal grandmother had been killed in a head on collision by a drunk driver.
Burlie Livengood, was 60ish, had 8 children, 25 grandchildren (at that time), many great-grandchildren, and had already bought & wrapped Christmas presents for all of us. She had baked about a dozen pies, made her famous 15 layer cake and was ready to celebrate by having everyone at her house there in Phoenix for Christmas.
It was surreal to be at her house that year with all her preparations and food except Gramma wasn’t there. We were all in shock.
But, her strong Christian ethic and huge love of family has influenced us all through the years and tears.
I thank God for the legacy she left us and the whole beautiful family she birthed. She loved to stand among us and open her arms and say, “if there had been no Me, there would be no Thee!” We each knew we were totally loved by Gramma Livengood or Sweet Grammy as some called her.

Danny Day

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Yesterday, March 30, marked 29 years since my oldest son, Danny, died. When I thought of that, I wondered, “have I been sad over 30 years?” (We knew he had AIDS 19 months before he died.) I find — I have not, surprisingly.

l still love to hear the name Danny (or Dan, or Daniel) .. even on other people. His music is still my very best favorite. Photos of him still make me pause and take a deep breath and thank God for giving me such an awesome son. (The other two are also Awesome!)

What have I learned in 29 years?

The first few years I was totally absorbed in my grief process and grief work, volunteering with PACT (then called TAP — Tucson AIDS Project) as an advocate for guys with AIDS. I spent ten years on their speaker’s bureau, talking to schools, U of A, hospitals in-service training and many other places, telling the story of all the love that Dan’s friends surrounded him with at the end. My other kids waited on the sideline, graciously, while I worked my way through my pain.

I have learned that time and God’s faithfulness do heal and they help me focus not on his loss, but on all that he was when he was here. I thank God that he was a musician and left me his beautiful music and videos.

He taught me so much, about facing his mortality, accepting with dignity and being open to letting our painful process help others. I learned to open my eyes and see the beauty in others, and to try not to take people for granted. I’ve learned to pray for my other kids faithfully, for their safety, peace and blessings.

This past month I have relied so much on things I learned through Danny as I watched my beautiful daughter, Cherie, lie in a coma and slip away from us. I’ve learned how to get rid of anger without hurting others (usually, please God) and to be transparent. I’ve learned most people are tender and caring if you are honest with them and if they aren’t, it is not up to me to fix them.

I have learned that prayer is the most powerful thing you can do for someone you care about … and it is effective!!!!

God is faithful and life is good, Most of the time I am way more happy than I probably deserve to be.

“Weeping may endure for a season (or years) but joy comes in the morning … “

Not As Old As You Think

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Since my “retire”ment last year, I have become a ‘retread’ and am now working at a lovely, luxurious retirement home as part-time receptionist. After 36 years in television, at a job I loved, I find I wouldn’t go back for anything. I love working with the residents of this facility.

Some of our residents have assisted living, but most are independent retirees in good health. Many of our residents like to sit in the lobby and watch the view out the glass entry doors, seeing the fountain, and people as they come and go.

As I sat at the front desk one afternoon, I noticed a resident sitting in the lobby in her motorized scooter with her back to the desk. She was slumped over, somewhat. She seemed to be dozing, which certainly can happen on a relaxed day.

While I waited on people, answering questions, filing out work orders and taking phone calls, I kept a watchful eye on her. She began to lean to the right and slump forward even more. The only movement I could see was the gradual leaning forward.

The more she leaned forward and to the right, the more concerned I became, worrying that she was not sleeping but had passed out or … even worse.

She leaned so far that its began to look like she could tumble out of the seat.

At that point, I could wait no longer. I got up and went around the desk, up to her and touching he on the shoulder asked, “Are you all right?”

She took a deep breath, sat up straight and turned to look at me. I could see in her right hand she held a smart phone.

She said, “I’m fine. I’m just engrossed in this silly game on my phone!”