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Danny Day

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Yesterday, March 30, marked 29 years since my oldest son, Danny, died. When I thought of that, I wondered, “have I been sad over 30 years?” (We knew he had AIDS 19 months before he died.) I find — I have not, surprisingly.

l still love to hear the name Danny (or Dan, or Daniel) .. even on other people. His music is still my very best favorite. Photos of him still make me pause and take a deep breath and thank God for giving me such an awesome son. (The other two are also Awesome!)

What have I learned in 29 years?

The first few years I was totally absorbed in my grief process and grief work, volunteering with PACT (then called TAP — Tucson AIDS Project) as an advocate for guys with AIDS. I spent ten years on their speaker’s bureau, talking to schools, U of A, hospitals in-service training and many other places, telling the story of all the love that Dan’s friends surrounded him with at the end. My other kids waited on the sideline, graciously, while I worked my way through my pain.

I have learned that time and God’s faithfulness do heal and they help me focus not on his loss, but on all that he was when he was here. I thank God that he was a musician and left me his beautiful music and videos.

He taught me so much, about facing his mortality, accepting with dignity and being open to letting our painful process help others. I learned to open my eyes and see the beauty in others, and to try not to take people for granted. I’ve learned to pray for my other kids faithfully, for their safety, peace and blessings.

This past month I have relied so much on things I learned through Danny as I watched my beautiful daughter, Cherie, lie in a coma and slip away from us. I’ve learned how to get rid of anger without hurting others (usually, please God) and to be transparent. I’ve learned most people are tender and caring if you are honest with them and if they aren’t, it is not up to me to fix them.

I have learned that prayer is the most powerful thing you can do for someone you care about … and it is effective!!!!

God is faithful and life is good, Most of the time I am way more happy than I probably deserve to be.

“Weeping may endure for a season (or years) but joy comes in the morning … “

Family

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I’m so frustrated .. it seems that whenever my grandkids don’t get what they want they rail against family. Not all my grandkids, mind you, just a couple of them.
It makes me wonder what they expect of family. What SHOULD we expect from family?
1= love
2=respect
3=understanding
4=forgiveness
5=time

Hmmm. Sounds like what we expect from God. When we, His children don’t get what we want, we tend to rail against Him.

My son has been there for his kids through thick and thicker, yet he’s the first one they blame when their bad choices put them in harms way.

And, we tend to do that with God. We casually make bad choices then expect Him to make the consequences go away for us.

Lord, let me not expect You to shield me from my consequences, but guide me in my decisions before I make those life altering bad choices.

Rough day… Easy ending

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This day just seemed out of sync…. Nothing specific, just “wonky”

My Granddaughter is marrying a wonderful guy who loves her dearly, but we can’t attend the wedding because all the “slots” are full… Mixed feelings… Are we even wanted there, or is this telling me what she really thinks of us ( me )?

Trying to put insurance on other granddaughter’s car but can’t connect. Try harder or back off? Do I use my money for my own bills and let her struggle ?

Rear end a big beautiful truck on the way to my insurance agent. No visible damage to his truck but smashed front on mine. 😟 However, nothing is leaking on my car ( thanks, God) and it drove just fine.

Unexpected phone call from someone far away and a long, loving conversation. So good to talk with old friends.

Just looked on Facebook and there are photos of my beautiful granddaughter and loving husband getting married looking so sweet and innocent and naive.

Thank you, God, my car runs, no one was hurt, my son and his wife got to be at the wedding and I’m home safe in bed.

And to my Ex…

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Thank you for the four beautiful children.  The three you gave me and the one you helped save from a forced adoption so “no one would know”.  Things were so different those days…parents so worried about the judgment of others.

I know it was often very difficult for you… Vacillating between feeling tricked and trapped and feeling okay with our love.  I know you did the best you could at the time.   There really was no graceful way to leave me.. especially when I was so desperately fearful of being alone.  I worshipped you.  I should have just loved you and kept the worship for God.  We were so young and really barely knew each other.  And naive, so naive, both of us.  We were children raising children.

I think you have been happy with Her and that, actually, is good.   You gave me many years, trying, and you should have peace now and happiness.   You have begun to spend time with our boys in recent years and healing has happened.  They love you.  And that beautiful son of yours with her wouldn’t be here if We had lasted.  God really does work things out for our best if we trust Him … Even if we see no way for it to turn out well.

So many things we might have done differently, could we do it over, but then we wouldn’t have become the people we are today.  I have come to peace and forgiveness and you owe me nothing, not even remorse. 

Life is too short for regrets.  Peace and joy are attainable.  God is faithful to complete the work He has begun in each of us. Phil. 1:6

An Open Letter to the Wife of My Ex-Husband (You know who you are)

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I would just like to thank you for your help in getting that lying, cheating man out of my home and life. I totally believed and meant the vows, “keep only unto him“, “for better or worse“, and “till death do us part” and would have stayed with him through a long and lonely life if you hadn’t stepped in and helped him leave our home.
I would never have cheated on him or looked for a better husband or, heaven forbid, launched out alone through life without your help. Although I fought with all my might to keep him, after he really was gone, I discovered a wonderful person — Myself, I was so busy trying to keep him from cheating on me, from putting me down, and trying to get a response from a cold, emotionless shell, that I was failing to develop as a person, and let the cheerful, creative, joyful side of me find expression.
Yes, I regret it was hard on our children to have their dad divorce them as well, but was he ever really with them anyway? They have grown into fine young men, and our daughter is surviving, though she still searches for a ‘dad’ out there. When he was in our home, our kids actually didn’t have much of a mother either, because I was so busy trying to be a wife, and failed to give myself to them as I should have. I have loved them far more without the distraction and they are soooooo worth it.
God is faithful, and has brought beauty out of the ashes of our marriage. Yes, I’m still alone and enjoying friendships, creative expression, daily work and still growing as an individual. I’m happier than I have ever been, and joy surrounds me! Happiness is so much fun! Thank you with all my heart for setting me free from him.