Category Archives: Closure

16 year old me to 78 yr old me

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Was i really pregnant?

…..Yes, but he married someone else

So, did I have the baby?   

  …..Yes, the soldier returned and married you.

Was the baby OK?   

…..Yes, he was precious and gifted.

Were we happy?

…..Sometimes, he had lots of resentment.

Did we have more babies?   

…..Two more boys and a girl, close together.

Were they ok?   

…..They were awesome, one had birth defect but God fixed it.

Did our marriage last?   

…..For 17 insecure years.

Was he faithful?   

 …..No, he cheated many times.

Did we divorce?   

…..Yes, he married the last one.

Was the divorce traumatic?   

…..All the kids were scarred by the divorce.

Did they ever heal?   

…..Eventually, mostly, but the first one died. 

How did I survive that?   

…..You had support groups and your faith. You got much stronger.

And the siblings?   

…..Boys eventually reconnected with their dad.  Daughter became an addict.

Did I remarry?   

…..25 years, later, while raising your daughters boy & girl, you remarried.

Was that a good thing?   

…..No, he seduced your daughter for drug money.

Did we divorce?   

 …..Oh, yes, quickly.

Did I get over him?   

 …..Very fast, and soon forgave your daughter.

What happened to them?   

…..They married and had two children.

Did she heal from her addictions?   

 …..Only in death.

How did I survive losing two children?   

…..Grief support groups and reaching out to help other hurting people.

Did I find love again?   

     Finally, 20 years later.

Was he a good man?   

…..Oh, yes. He healed you with his kindness.

Did you marry?   

…..You didn’t need to… His kindness was enough.

Was I finally happy?   

…..More than you can imagine.       

Lyvonne Hill  10/31/2021

Somehow

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I can tell stories of your coldness to me.

The neglect and distance …

Scorn for my love.

Not talking or sharing. . .

No common affection or gifts. . .

Cheating, many times. . .

Lack of participation in our life together.

Yet, you were the love of my life.

Why?

Was it the challenge of making you smile?

Knowing your childhood pain?

Understanding you deeply???

Learning every aspect of who you were?

All the loving behind closed doors?

I just don’t understand.

Maybe never will…

But you were, are, have always been, the love of my life.

Lonely without you…

But Lonely with you, too.

You started down this road with me,

The road of life,

Then somewhere got out of the vehicle and left me in it,

Driverless, but ever moving forward…

Relentlessly on this path,

Alone and clueless as to what would be next.

I grew, learned, adjusted, blossomed, even soared.

But ever in my heart somewhere deep inside

Missing the You I understood and craved,

And somehow loved.

Lyvonne Hill

April 12, 2021

Filigree…

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When the filigree of my life unravels and I am no more . . .

Only save the lovely pieces though they are few . . .

Don’t judge my failings, for they are many.

Be kind in your memories.

Adopt any useful habits I had and ignore the useless ones.

Remember my love for you, for it is endless.

Speak my name if I come to mind.

Watch for dragonflies, hummingbirds, butterflies, shooting stars and pennies, for they are my messengers.

Love never ends, even if life does.

Our relationship truly is forever,

I will always be thankful for You in my life.

Lyvonne Hill

April 14, 2021

I think of you…

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I think of you when I find a penny,
when I see a butterfly,
when I see a cute piggy,
when I hear certain songs,
when I see a hummingbird,
when I hear an owl,
when I pet my little dog,
when I go to sleep,
when I wake up,
when the phone rings,
when it doesn’t,
when I eat yummy foods,
Or tasteless ones,
when it rains,
when I watch the clouds,
when the sun shines,
when I get dressed for work,
when I get home,
when I am with other people,
when I am alone,
when I see your children,
when I don’t
when I hear a hearty laugh,
when I see someone cry,
when that someone is me.

Lyvonne Hill

March 10, 2021 makes five years since my beautiful, caring, sensitive, funny, loving, creative, only daughter stopped breathing leaving four hurting, confused children, an angry husband, grieving mother and many friends behind to try and get through life without her. Thank you, God, for giving Cherie to us for almost 50 years.

Danny, forever 26, 1987
Cherie, forever 49, 2016

Happy Unniversary . . . August 15, 2020

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If things had been different I would be celebrating my 60th Anniversary today.

I want you all to know, not only have I survived the past 44 years … (after divorce) … I have learned to totally trust God, be myself, love others, and blossom with the life God has given me, my precious children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

From a lonely, insecure only child to rejoicing and flourishing with abundant, wonderful friends and family.

You Can Trust God. He Will work things out for Your GOOD. He IS totally Faithful and Good beyond our wildest imagination.

My life has been Amazing!

And then…

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I wasn’t entirely surprised.  The expectation that your addictions would conquer you was always under the surface of the hope you would overcome.

The call that you had collapsed in the shower was the “fall of the other shoe” that I had feared for so long.

Your daughter and I rushing to be by your side in ICU just the first step in our farewell.

Being told not to talk to you or touch you so your brain could rest was nearly impossible while we wanted to scream, “Wake up!”

And when your eyes finally opened, seeing the sheer terror in them was hideous.

Your eyes screamed, “Help me!  Stop this!  Enough!”

We were helpless, standing by.

And then you closed them.  The tubes removed, the monitors silenced, and you rested at last.

Breathing on your own and sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

No response.  No finger squeeze.  No wiggled toes.  No fluttering eyelids.  Just soft shallow breathing, steady and slow.

Only when we discussed moving you over so your oldest son could lie beside you did you respond with three deep loud breaths.

“I’ll take that as a yes!” he said, and we slid you over with the draw sheet for his snuggle and mine.

Your younger children blew you kisses over facetime on our phones and saw your lips blow kisses back to them.

And then through the power of cyber space, your husband, children and I were all with you and you were gone.

Gone.

Absent, yet in some ways you seem nearer than before–butterflies, pennies in unexpected places, heart shaped rocks, inside-out shirts — javelinas at our private memorial for the older children’s dad.

Many signs we may have missed in our trudging through our grief.

Oh! to open our eyes, ears, hearts so we may be aware and notice the love around us.

Danny Day

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Yesterday, March 30, marked 29 years since my oldest son, Danny, died. When I thought of that, I wondered, “have I been sad over 30 years?” (We knew he had AIDS 19 months before he died.) I find — I have not, surprisingly.

l still love to hear the name Danny (or Dan, or Daniel) .. even on other people. His music is still my very best favorite. Photos of him still make me pause and take a deep breath and thank God for giving me such an awesome son. (The other two are also Awesome!)

What have I learned in 29 years?

The first few years I was totally absorbed in my grief process and grief work, volunteering with PACT (then called TAP — Tucson AIDS Project) as an advocate for guys with AIDS. I spent ten years on their speaker’s bureau, talking to schools, U of A, hospitals in-service training and many other places, telling the story of all the love that Dan’s friends surrounded him with at the end. My other kids waited on the sideline, graciously, while I worked my way through my pain.

I have learned that time and God’s faithfulness do heal and they help me focus not on his loss, but on all that he was when he was here. I thank God that he was a musician and left me his beautiful music and videos.

He taught me so much, about facing his mortality, accepting with dignity and being open to letting our painful process help others. I learned to open my eyes and see the beauty in others, and to try not to take people for granted. I’ve learned to pray for my other kids faithfully, for their safety, peace and blessings.

This past month I have relied so much on things I learned through Danny as I watched my beautiful daughter, Cherie, lie in a coma and slip away from us. I’ve learned how to get rid of anger without hurting others (usually, please God) and to be transparent. I’ve learned most people are tender and caring if you are honest with them and if they aren’t, it is not up to me to fix them.

I have learned that prayer is the most powerful thing you can do for someone you care about … and it is effective!!!!

God is faithful and life is good, Most of the time I am way more happy than I probably deserve to be.

“Weeping may endure for a season (or years) but joy comes in the morning … “

And to my Ex…

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Thank you for the four beautiful children.  The three you gave me and the one you helped save from a forced adoption so “no one would know”.  Things were so different those days…parents so worried about the judgment of others.

I know it was often very difficult for you… Vacillating between feeling tricked and trapped and feeling okay with our love.  I know you did the best you could at the time.   There really was no graceful way to leave me.. especially when I was so desperately fearful of being alone.  I worshipped you.  I should have just loved you and kept the worship for God.  We were so young and really barely knew each other.  And naive, so naive, both of us.  We were children raising children.

I think you have been happy with Her and that, actually, is good.   You gave me many years, trying, and you should have peace now and happiness.   You have begun to spend time with our boys in recent years and healing has happened.  They love you.  And that beautiful son of yours with her wouldn’t be here if We had lasted.  God really does work things out for our best if we trust Him … Even if we see no way for it to turn out well.

So many things we might have done differently, could we do it over, but then we wouldn’t have become the people we are today.  I have come to peace and forgiveness and you owe me nothing, not even remorse. 

Life is too short for regrets.  Peace and joy are attainable.  God is faithful to complete the work He has begun in each of us. Phil. 1:6

An Open Letter to the Wife of My Ex-Husband (You know who you are)

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I would just like to thank you for your help in getting that lying, cheating man out of my home and life. I totally believed and meant the vows, “keep only unto him“, “for better or worse“, and “till death do us part” and would have stayed with him through a long and lonely life if you hadn’t stepped in and helped him leave our home.
I would never have cheated on him or looked for a better husband or, heaven forbid, launched out alone through life without your help. Although I fought with all my might to keep him, after he really was gone, I discovered a wonderful person — Myself, I was so busy trying to keep him from cheating on me, from putting me down, and trying to get a response from a cold, emotionless shell, that I was failing to develop as a person, and let the cheerful, creative, joyful side of me find expression.
Yes, I regret it was hard on our children to have their dad divorce them as well, but was he ever really with them anyway? They have grown into fine young men, and our daughter is surviving, though she still searches for a ‘dad’ out there. When he was in our home, our kids actually didn’t have much of a mother either, because I was so busy trying to be a wife, and failed to give myself to them as I should have. I have loved them far more without the distraction and they are soooooo worth it.
God is faithful, and has brought beauty out of the ashes of our marriage. Yes, I’m still alone and enjoying friendships, creative expression, daily work and still growing as an individual. I’m happier than I have ever been, and joy surrounds me! Happiness is so much fun! Thank you with all my heart for setting me free from him.